i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
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