Michael Bay diarrhea
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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