hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
