totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
And the cops told us we were all naked.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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