I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
