he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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