someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
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