Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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