I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
