I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
