Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
