ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
