Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
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