Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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