I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
