Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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