i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
