Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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