You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
