The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
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