Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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