FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
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I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
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He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
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