Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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