LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
