you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
