She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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