What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
