Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
