Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
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The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
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Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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