It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Randomize
