He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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