9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
