i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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