Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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