The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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