OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
