I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
