honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
