I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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