I looked at my own cervix.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
