Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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