he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
