Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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