News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
