i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
