I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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