they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
