I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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