I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
