This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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