when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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