I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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