i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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