The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
