Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
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