I puked a lego.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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