Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
