i don't plan on having that self control this summer
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
