she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
