I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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